The Pain Paradox
In order to cultivate inner peace, it's important to differentiate between pain and suffering. Pain is a physical sensation we experience in the body, while suffering is a mental construct that arises from the narratives we weave in the mind. Pain becomes suffering when we wish it away, or when we believe that we should not be experiencing it.
Suffering can be thought of as having multiple layers. At one layer, we suffer from wanting things to be different from how they are, and at another layer, our suffering is rooted in our beliefs. This is because we attach a story about the pain, such as "This shouldn't be happening to me." These thoughts and emotions create an additional layer of suffering on top of the physical pain. Let's consider an unfortunate incident where Noah experiences a car accident. This example illustrates all 3 forms of suffering:
Pain
The immediate physical discomfort Noah experiences as a result of the car accident represents pain. This could include a variety of sensations, from the shock of the initial impact, to more specific injuries like a broken arm, whiplash, or bruises.
Suffering (linked to wants/desires)
The car that Noah was driving is now totaled. This is an object he valued, and it is now beyond repair. The suffering here stems from the reality of the situation conflicting with his desires - he didn't want his car to be totaled, but it is. Perhaps he loved that car, or maybe it was an expensive vehicle that he can't afford to replace right away. This mismatch between reality (a totaled car) and his desire (wanting the car to be intact) results in suffering.
Suffering (rooted in beliefs)
As Noah starts processing the incident, his mind begins to construct narratives. One such narrative might be, "This is unfair. I'm a careful driver. This shouldn't have happened to me." This represents suffering attached to a belief. Here, Noah's suffering isn't arising from the immediate physical pain or even the loss of his car. Instead, it's arising from his belief that he didn't deserve to be in the accident. This mental narrative adds another layer of distress on top of the physical pain and the suffering from having a totaled car. It might stir up feelings of injustice, self-pity, anger, or resentment, which are all forms of suffering that aren't inherently part of the initial event (the car accident), but are added by his reactions and beliefs about the event.
These examples demonstrate how the same event - a car accident in this case - can lead to different forms of suffering: physical pain from the accident itself, suffering from the loss of the car, and additional suffering caused by the belief that the accident was undeserved. The key to lessening our overall suffering, is to recognize and manage these additional layers of suffering that we add onto the initial pain.
To cultivate inner peace, it's important to learn to accept pain as a natural part of life. This doesn't mean that we should enjoy or seek out pain, but rather that we should approach it with a sense of curiosity and openness. By acknowledging pain and allowing it to exist without judgment, we can reduce the suffering that arises from our resistance to it.
The Two Arrows
The teaching of the "two arrows" is a Buddhist teaching about the nature of suffering. It is often told as follows:
The Buddha once asked a student, "If a person is struck by an arrow, is it painful?" The student replied, "Yes, it is." The Buddha then asked, "If the person is struck by a second arrow, is that even more painful?" The student replied, "Yes, it is."
We don't always have control over the first arrow in life, but we do have control over the second arrow, which is our reaction to the first. It’s important to remember that the second arrow is optional. For me, this is the difference between what I would call inevitable pain vs unnecessary suffering.
The first arrow represents the inevitable pain that we all experience in life. This could be physical pain from an injury or illness or emotional pain from a loss or disappointment. The second arrow, however, is something that we add to the experience. This is the layer of suffering that arises from our reaction to the pain. For example, if we resist the pain or feel angry or frustrated that it's happening to us, we create an additional layer of suffering on top of the initial pain.
The teaching of the two arrows is a reminder that we can choose to not shoot ourselves with the second arrow. We can choose to accept the first arrow for what it is, and not let it cause us additional suffering. This does not mean that we have to deny the pain of the first arrow. It simply means that we do not have to add to the pain by reacting in a negative way. Pain is inevitable in life, but suffering is optional and arises from our reaction to pain.
The first arrow represents the physical or emotional pain we experience due to circumstances beyond our control, while the second arrow represents the mental suffering we inflict upon ourselves by how we react to the pain.
Imagine what it would be like to feel the sting of the first arrow without allowing the second arrow to hit you. Picture being able to experience pain without adding any unnecessary suffering. When struck by the first arrow, we can learn to remain mindful and composed, understanding its nature and not allowing the second arrow of unnecessary suffering to take root. According to Buddha, this is the path to inner peace and freedom from unnecessary suffering.
How do we work with pain?
One of the keys to developing greater equanimity towards pain is learning to observe the sensations without judgment or resistance. This involves cultivating a sense of mindfulness and presence, which allows us to stay fully present with the experience. Instead of trying to escape or distract ourselves from the pain, we can learn to turn towards it with curiosity and openness. By doing so, we can begin to understand the nature of our pain and how it affects us.
Consider a scenario where you have planned a family picnic. You have spent a lot of time organizing it and you're really looking forward to spending the day outside in beautiful weather. But on the day of the picnic, it starts raining heavily. This unforeseen event can be thought of as the first arrow. It's disappointing and throws off your plans - it's an unavoidable part of life because we can't control the weather.
The first arrow here is the disappointment and inconvenience caused by the rain. You feel upset because your well-planned picnic is now impossible. It's natural to feel this initial disappointment.
However, how you react to this situation is where the second arrow comes in. If you become consumed by frustration, let it ruin your entire day, and dwell on thoughts like "Why does this always happen to me?" or "This ruined everything", then you're allowing the second arrow to strike. This added distress is not inherent to the rain itself, but is self-inflicted through your negative reaction to the situation.
To avoid the second arrow in this case, you would recognize and accept the initial disappointment of the rain spoiling your picnic plan, but not let it consume your entire day. It’s like acknowledging that yes, it sucks that your family picnic plan was ruined and yes, you are disappointed, but now what? What are we going to do net? How quickly can we picot our plans and skillfully engage with whatever comes next?
Instead of spiraling into frustration or anger, you could come up with an alternative plan - maybe you have the picnic indoors, turn it into a fun living room campout with your family, or decide to play board games, watch movies, or bake cookies together. You manage the disappointment but do not add extra distress or unnecessary suffering to the situation.
This is an example of sitting with the first arrow - accepting the initial disappointment - and avoiding the second arrow - not exacerbating the situation with additional emotional distress. This way, you're able to navigate the challenges of life with grace and composure, adding less suffering to your life and cultivating greater inner peace.
“The most difficult times for many of us are the ones we give ourselves.” Pema Chodron.
Pema’s quote is a reflection on the self-inflicted nature of much of our suffering.
This aligns well with the teaching of the two arrows. The first arrow, representing the unavoidable pains and challenges life presents us with (the Tetris pieces we didn’t want). However, the second arrow, the way we react to these challenges, is completely within our control.
Much of our suffering comes not from the situations themselves (the first arrow), but from our reactions to them (the second arrow). How we respond to difficult situations will determine if we "give ourselves" additional suffering.
Consider the picnic example. The event of the rain is beyond your control - it's the first arrow. However, if you let this event ruin your day, obsess over the ruined plans, and spiral into negative thoughts, you're effectively "giving yourself" a more difficult time.The second arrow is not the rain, but your reaction to it.
The teaching of the two arrows encourages us to become more aware of our reactions to life's challenges and to avoid adding to our suffering by how we respond to life’s inevitable pains.
The goal is not to ignore or suppress our feelings, but to manage them in a way that doesn't add unnecessary suffering to our lives. By learning to differentiate between pain and suffering and accepting pain as a natural part of life, we take an important step toward greater inner peace. When we stop resisting or avoiding pain, we create space for it to exist without adding unnecessary suffering.
Mindfulness meditation is one way to practice this, allowing us to observe our physical sensations without judgment and cultivate inner peace in the face of challenges. By bringing our attention to the present moment and observing our physical sensations without judgment, we can learn to accept pain as it is and reduce our attachment to the stories we create around it. Over time, this can lead to a greater sense of inner peace and resilience in the face of challenges.
Key Takeaways
Differentiate Pain from Suffering: Pain is an unavoidable physical sensation, while suffering is a mental construct born from our reactions to pain. Our narratives and resistance to pain often lead to unnecessary suffering.
- Understand the Layers of Suffering: Suffering can stem from our desire for things to be different or from our beliefs and stories about the situation. Recognizing and managing these layers can help lessen our overall suffering.
- The First and Second Arrows: Life's inevitable pains and disappointments are like the first arrow. Our reactions, however, which can compound our distress, are akin to a second, self-inflicted arrow. Understanding that we have control over this second arrow can help us minimize unnecessary suffering.
- Embrace Pain Without Resistance: Accepting pain as a natural part of life allows us to approach it with curiosity and openness rather than judgment and resistance. This helps prevent the additional layer of suffering that arises from our opposition to pain.
- Practice Mindfulness: Cultivating mindfulness and presence can help us stay fully present with our experiences, including pain. This non-judgmental observation prevents us from adding suffering to our initial pain.
- Suffering is Often Self-Inflicted: Much of our suffering comes not from the situations themselves but from our reactions to them. Becoming more aware of our responses to life's challenges can prevent us from causing unnecessary distress to ourselves.
- Acceptance and Adaptability: Rather than dwelling on unchangeable circumstances, we can pivot our plans and react skillfully to whatever comes next. This involves acknowledging our initial disappointment but not letting it consume us.
- Cultivate Inner Peace: By distinguishing between pain and suffering, accepting pain as natural, and refraining from adding unnecessary suffering, we take vital steps toward achieving inner peace. Over time, this can lead to greater resilience in the face of challenges.
- Use of Mindfulness Meditation: Practicing mindfulness meditation can aid us in observing our physical sensations without judgment, reducing our attachment to the stories we construct around pain, and cultivating inner peace.